Spring a fickle bejeweled Mistress reflection of our inner core

Finally Spring peers around the corner like a mistress trying to catch her lover's glance but in fear of being noticed by others in the room quickly averts her eyes. This week has been a flirtation with the Sun, the Wind,snow,sleet,rain, and the cold. The white,light dusting of snow we recently received has rolled back to reveal the dormant grass beneath its cover as the pointy green shoots of life begin to poke through the Earth that will soon blossom into rainbow colored Crocus to be followed by Daffodils, luscious Hostas and varigated Peonies as my front garden begins its resurrection. All of these actions a reflection of the tumult, strife and inner growth my soul is going through as my life transforms itself into a new yet unrecognizable version of its former self. Change truly is the only constant thing in life, whether you like it or not. Who knows where I am to be or if I am to be so I must rejoice in the moment which is the only true and real thing at any given point in time. I must retool my spirit so that it becomes that which I would like it to be. I need to be honest with myself and happy with myself in order to be true to me. Sounds simple and yet it is not...so many people cannot accept who they are or identify who they want to be and in lacking these skills they lack the means for transforming their lives and creating and reaching their goals and true potential. Many of us are trapped in cages of our own making. We cast and twists bars stronger than iron in which we enclose, limit and trap our Souls. We let the expectations of others and their goals or desires for us engulf and manage our lives when we should be looking and questioning inward to mold our Souls rather than allow our Souls to be molded by others. The beauty of Vermont is that for the most part you are free of these social entanglements. There is a strong truly American independent spirit among its people interwoven with tolerance, acceptance and a dash of Libertarianism that reminds one of what it really means to be an American. New England is slowly awakening from its recent Winter hibernation and so am I. A slow and calm life, hopefully a well examined one if it is to have meaning....this is my current goal. Hopefully the fruit of coming out of the recent Chaos I have been living with.

Emerging from the Cocoon I made into a new and untried life...

It is true that Life is what happens while you make plan, nothing ever quite works out the way you hoped or thought it would but the important thing to remember is that in the end something does in fact "turn out". We moved to Vermont with so many hopes and dreams wrapped in Love. Unfortunately events dictated otherwise and while my life here is not anywhere near what I had thought or hoped it would be, it is still full of beauty and hope albeit, just not the way I thought it would be. Initially my health took a turn for the worse and my work prospects grew slim. My physical handicap becoming more and more of an obstacle. My partner Michael was becoming unstable in more ways than one and despite his ability to find work as a Nurse, he was not able to keep positions for any length of time and financially our reserves were drained in large part due to Michael's instability and my not holding back in my attempts to assist him. He became unstable and violent and attacked me last month. He proceeded to thrash the house in a violent rage, he hurt me physically but physical scars they always heal, psychological ones do not, well at least not for quite some time. I had to file a restraining order on him and have had to pay for major repairs he caused during his drunken rage. The police were taken aback by the level of destruction and even more surprised when I told them that there had been no argument to trigger this kind of hatred and that we had not been having issues prior to this. This was a complete shock to me. We have been through so much together with the train accident, my healing, etc I just did not understand what happened and where this came from since there had been no provocation. Psychologically, it tore at my soul. I did not recognize this person who I had been with for the last seven years. It is as if my life had been a lie for the last few years. This became worse as the whole experience began to unravel like a Persian rug being rolled out on an empty floor. He ended up spending a week in jail in New Hampshire. He had punched out glass panes and destroyed ceramic,porcelains and glass in the kitchen and dining room. He put his hand through the microwave vent above the stove. He chocked me and threatened himself and me with a cleaver, it was a vicious and violent attack which began with my arriving at the back door with our dog Butters after I had taken him for a walk. Walking up the back stairs I noticed the broken pane on the back door. He heard me and came out screaming "you should not lock the back door" and from there the nightmare drama began. He cut himself badly and began to smear his blood on the counters telling me that I was the cause of all of this and that I had ruined his life. I felt like it was something out of The Shinning. He was taken to a hospital in Keene, NH to address his wounds. and on his way out he pulled down the curtains over the Kitchen door and asked me "how can you continue yo live here after everyone knows what happened here". He really did no know me at all. He was always governed by the opinion of others, well his perceived opinion of what others may think. He is ruled by the cage of the eyes of others. I was in shock for a couple of weeks, the victim of this horrible trauma. He was so ill mannered at the hospital the staff called for the Police who took him into custody as a result. Due to the two states involved, the weekend and a state holiday he was detained for a week. I did not see him till he following Wednesday when I went to court to finalize the restraining order. I was hoping to see remorse, sadness, regret..instead I was stabbed by the dagger glares he shot at me as if I were to blame. I knew in that instant that it was over, that there was no hope. I tried desperately to have his family come for him, to be here for him. I even offered to allow them to stay in the house while he was released. No one came, but they called daily to ask me to do things for him which I did when I realized that they were not being supportive for him. Within twenty four hours, the tapestries of our lives together and the move to Vermont unravelled as easily as if one were to pull on a thread and undo the knit stitches which once were the building blocks of a well made cloth. A life unravelled from which I have rewound the yarn it was made from and from which I have begun to re weave a new garment with which to clothe myself anew. I don't know which is worse, the trauma described above or having to deal with the aftermath. Especially knowing now that he has been telling people lies, that I over reacted, that this was nothing more than a bad break up, that I stole from him, etc. He has made himself out to be the victim, and accuses me of defaming his character. No apology, no acceptance of his drinking problem, of the destruction. Despite my testimony, that of the police, the hospital staff, and all of the photographs taken he blames me. What an act of cowardice. I really did not know him. He has left, and left me holding the bag as it were. Not only do I have to deal with the overdue bills he did not pay, I have to pay for all of the necessary repairs after his rampage.Butters Our Pug was constipated for five days after he witnessed Michael's horrible rage. Sammy our cat was acting oddly for a few days. I have been slowly piling his belongings on a bed in a guest room while I wait for instructions on what to do with them. His family went from calling me daily to cutting me off which I expected but even when I text to find out where to send his things you would think there would be a response. It has been difficult reconciling everything and moving things forward one small step at a time. Having come from a broken household with a violent, alcoholic father old wound were reopened rand scars salted. I vowed that the first half of my life stared that way out of my control but that the second half of my life would not be lived under the same condition, the part of my life which is under my control. Many of the non profits against domestic violence have been helpful if even just to provide a non partial ear to listen when I need to be heard. It is my hope and intent to help these groups if I am able to in the future. No one should ever feel threatened in their home and violent people need to be held accountable for their actions and words. I forgave Michael the minute he walked out the door, but I cannot forget what he did and said that day as well as his subsequent actions. He is unhappy with himself and will not find happiness in the world until he is happy with himself. I hope that he is honest with himself and looks inward for guidance. I hope that he stops being driven by the opinions of others and allowing those opinions to govern his life. I am concerned for him and hope he seeks the guidance and care he needs. In the meantime I am slowly breaking out of my Cocoon getting redy to explore a new wold full of new experiences from which to grow and learn.