Still growing, ever changing In Vermont

I apologize for the long silences, the curse of a blog. As usual my Candide like life has had me buffetted by wave after wave of change and growth solicited or not. Life truly is that which happens why we are making plans which rarely if ever come to fruition in the forms they were conceived. Our ever changing world moving at a human pace and direction unparalled in our existence on this planet, so fast we cannot accurately judge the effects of the changes in time to discern wheter it was the good or right thing to do. And in this unnatural speed we sacrifice our thought processes, analytical skills, and in the end our compassion and empathy. That which makes us human in our daily interactions is slowly being erased as chalk from a board and the bits of writing, once coherent thoughts and ideas are now being reduced to the chalk dust of oblivion. As all of us, I sometimes feel lost and confused and alone and I think that this unfortunately is to be the new trend as we plow forward in this modern life. We are losing the ability to relate and deal with each other on a human level which is truly sad. It is snowing today which normally is not a rare thing in New England in the middle of winter with the exception that it has only snowed three times this winter this being the third in the beginning of February, 2016. The clean, pure snow blanketing and covering all the visible flaws of life and unifying plant and asphalt and building in the beauty only crystalized water can bestow. Would that likewise we could clean and unify all our social and economic differences and unite us humans in a way we are but deny daily. Why is it so difficult for us as a people, as a nation, as human beings to support and assist each other and to work for the greater good? It is this flaw which while universal amongst us has held us back and corrupted every philosophy, religion, political system no matter whow noble. How can someone who has the resources to provide assistance to another human being keep from doing so with no remorse or shame? How can they spout hate and attack anyone not like them when if they were only to look they would see that there really are no differences, just misunderstanding. I hope that a snow will fall which will blanket us in a love and understanding which will while as beautiful as crystalized water create a non meltable or malleable bond which will unite us in love and compassion. Love and compassion which is not conditional, for we are all the same.

Life is Grand don't forget it and don't let it slip away

Glorious Sun and warmth, every bare branch now sprouting green on every plant visible. Life returns burrowing out from under the earth which not too long ago was encased in a white coffin of cold. With this blossoming of life the Soul begins to bounce back and rejoice in life's splendor. The days grow longer, one gets up earlier. Tasks now revolve around being able to go out and enjoy the time outdoors as opposed to seeking the shelter and warmth of home. I have swept out the porch and hung plants and filled the bird feeders. Life is grand. I feel as if this is my first Spring and I am reawakening from a long hibernation. My life has changed so much since February 25, 2015 that I feel as if I am a new person, in many ways reborn. Despite being very anti organized religion I relish in God's creation. I think we should all look inwardly to the divinity we are all a part of and which is all around us. Why do you need to go to a church and hear someone tell you what they think is right and what you should do or how you should behave when you are part of the divine web of life and you already know right from wrong. It is our freedom to choose right from wrong in which our divinity lies. We forget that as individuals we have power and choices and I urge you to review your choice before making it. Try not to think of how it will impact just you but how it will ripple throughout the world. Unfortunately it is the selfish acts of the Ego that keep us from working and living as a whole. Be one with yourself and comfortable with who and what you are and if you are not, then make it so! Do whatever it is you need to do. Talk to yourself, ask yourself why something bothers you, befriend yourself, be kind to yourself. You can't be a good person to others until you are a good person to yourself. We all have our demons, our fears, our hesitations and yet we are the only ones capable of vanquishing those very same demons, fears and hesitations. No one can do it for you, you have to do it for yourself and that is the key. Motivation...it has to be for your own growth and gain not for someone else. Unfortunately, we have become too focused on ourselves and what benefits us, the ME generation won. The only problem is that there are to many MEs out there not thinking of or for others and it becomes a small unpleasant world as a result of it. Try, just try at least once a day to think or do something positive for someone else, someone or a group you do not know. For the Homeless, the Elderly, the Handicapped, the Victims of Domestic Violence use your compassion to try to see things from their perspective and act accordingly. We have all been hurt and traumatized in life, so why not use that to help others rather than to traumatize and hurt others? Give a Dollar, give all the change in your pocket, give a smile, a laugh a nod "hello". Sometimes that is all anyone ever needs. Be honest, but most of all be true to yourself. Look into the mirror and ask yourself, am I being honest with myself, with my loved ones, with others? Life moves at the speed of light now a days and it only is going to move quicker not get slower, so slow yourself down. My life has been a roller coaster ride since birth and there have been many times I wished I could get off but I am still here. Happiness is a form of courage.

Spring a fickle bejeweled Mistress reflection of our inner core

Finally Spring peers around the corner like a mistress trying to catch her lover's glance but in fear of being noticed by others in the room quickly averts her eyes. This week has been a flirtation with the Sun, the Wind,snow,sleet,rain, and the cold. The white,light dusting of snow we recently received has rolled back to reveal the dormant grass beneath its cover as the pointy green shoots of life begin to poke through the Earth that will soon blossom into rainbow colored Crocus to be followed by Daffodils, luscious Hostas and varigated Peonies as my front garden begins its resurrection. All of these actions a reflection of the tumult, strife and inner growth my soul is going through as my life transforms itself into a new yet unrecognizable version of its former self. Change truly is the only constant thing in life, whether you like it or not. Who knows where I am to be or if I am to be so I must rejoice in the moment which is the only true and real thing at any given point in time. I must retool my spirit so that it becomes that which I would like it to be. I need to be honest with myself and happy with myself in order to be true to me. Sounds simple and yet it is not...so many people cannot accept who they are or identify who they want to be and in lacking these skills they lack the means for transforming their lives and creating and reaching their goals and true potential. Many of us are trapped in cages of our own making. We cast and twists bars stronger than iron in which we enclose, limit and trap our Souls. We let the expectations of others and their goals or desires for us engulf and manage our lives when we should be looking and questioning inward to mold our Souls rather than allow our Souls to be molded by others. The beauty of Vermont is that for the most part you are free of these social entanglements. There is a strong truly American independent spirit among its people interwoven with tolerance, acceptance and a dash of Libertarianism that reminds one of what it really means to be an American. New England is slowly awakening from its recent Winter hibernation and so am I. A slow and calm life, hopefully a well examined one if it is to have meaning....this is my current goal. Hopefully the fruit of coming out of the recent Chaos I have been living with.

Emerging from the Cocoon I made into a new and untried life...

It is true that Life is what happens while you make plan, nothing ever quite works out the way you hoped or thought it would but the important thing to remember is that in the end something does in fact "turn out". We moved to Vermont with so many hopes and dreams wrapped in Love. Unfortunately events dictated otherwise and while my life here is not anywhere near what I had thought or hoped it would be, it is still full of beauty and hope albeit, just not the way I thought it would be. Initially my health took a turn for the worse and my work prospects grew slim. My physical handicap becoming more and more of an obstacle. My partner Michael was becoming unstable in more ways than one and despite his ability to find work as a Nurse, he was not able to keep positions for any length of time and financially our reserves were drained in large part due to Michael's instability and my not holding back in my attempts to assist him. He became unstable and violent and attacked me last month. He proceeded to thrash the house in a violent rage, he hurt me physically but physical scars they always heal, psychological ones do not, well at least not for quite some time. I had to file a restraining order on him and have had to pay for major repairs he caused during his drunken rage. The police were taken aback by the level of destruction and even more surprised when I told them that there had been no argument to trigger this kind of hatred and that we had not been having issues prior to this. This was a complete shock to me. We have been through so much together with the train accident, my healing, etc I just did not understand what happened and where this came from since there had been no provocation. Psychologically, it tore at my soul. I did not recognize this person who I had been with for the last seven years. It is as if my life had been a lie for the last few years. This became worse as the whole experience began to unravel like a Persian rug being rolled out on an empty floor. He ended up spending a week in jail in New Hampshire. He had punched out glass panes and destroyed ceramic,porcelains and glass in the kitchen and dining room. He put his hand through the microwave vent above the stove. He chocked me and threatened himself and me with a cleaver, it was a vicious and violent attack which began with my arriving at the back door with our dog Butters after I had taken him for a walk. Walking up the back stairs I noticed the broken pane on the back door. He heard me and came out screaming "you should not lock the back door" and from there the nightmare drama began. He cut himself badly and began to smear his blood on the counters telling me that I was the cause of all of this and that I had ruined his life. I felt like it was something out of The Shinning. He was taken to a hospital in Keene, NH to address his wounds. and on his way out he pulled down the curtains over the Kitchen door and asked me "how can you continue yo live here after everyone knows what happened here". He really did no know me at all. He was always governed by the opinion of others, well his perceived opinion of what others may think. He is ruled by the cage of the eyes of others. I was in shock for a couple of weeks, the victim of this horrible trauma. He was so ill mannered at the hospital the staff called for the Police who took him into custody as a result. Due to the two states involved, the weekend and a state holiday he was detained for a week. I did not see him till he following Wednesday when I went to court to finalize the restraining order. I was hoping to see remorse, sadness, regret..instead I was stabbed by the dagger glares he shot at me as if I were to blame. I knew in that instant that it was over, that there was no hope. I tried desperately to have his family come for him, to be here for him. I even offered to allow them to stay in the house while he was released. No one came, but they called daily to ask me to do things for him which I did when I realized that they were not being supportive for him. Within twenty four hours, the tapestries of our lives together and the move to Vermont unravelled as easily as if one were to pull on a thread and undo the knit stitches which once were the building blocks of a well made cloth. A life unravelled from which I have rewound the yarn it was made from and from which I have begun to re weave a new garment with which to clothe myself anew. I don't know which is worse, the trauma described above or having to deal with the aftermath. Especially knowing now that he has been telling people lies, that I over reacted, that this was nothing more than a bad break up, that I stole from him, etc. He has made himself out to be the victim, and accuses me of defaming his character. No apology, no acceptance of his drinking problem, of the destruction. Despite my testimony, that of the police, the hospital staff, and all of the photographs taken he blames me. What an act of cowardice. I really did not know him. He has left, and left me holding the bag as it were. Not only do I have to deal with the overdue bills he did not pay, I have to pay for all of the necessary repairs after his rampage.Butters Our Pug was constipated for five days after he witnessed Michael's horrible rage. Sammy our cat was acting oddly for a few days. I have been slowly piling his belongings on a bed in a guest room while I wait for instructions on what to do with them. His family went from calling me daily to cutting me off which I expected but even when I text to find out where to send his things you would think there would be a response. It has been difficult reconciling everything and moving things forward one small step at a time. Having come from a broken household with a violent, alcoholic father old wound were reopened rand scars salted. I vowed that the first half of my life stared that way out of my control but that the second half of my life would not be lived under the same condition, the part of my life which is under my control. Many of the non profits against domestic violence have been helpful if even just to provide a non partial ear to listen when I need to be heard. It is my hope and intent to help these groups if I am able to in the future. No one should ever feel threatened in their home and violent people need to be held accountable for their actions and words. I forgave Michael the minute he walked out the door, but I cannot forget what he did and said that day as well as his subsequent actions. He is unhappy with himself and will not find happiness in the world until he is happy with himself. I hope that he is honest with himself and looks inward for guidance. I hope that he stops being driven by the opinions of others and allowing those opinions to govern his life. I am concerned for him and hope he seeks the guidance and care he needs. In the meantime I am slowly breaking out of my Cocoon getting redy to explore a new wold full of new experiences from which to grow and learn.

La Maison ou j'ai grandi......

It is 12:41 on Monday the 13th of January and I am at my desk writing in the attic of my lovely Vermont home as I listen to an old 45 playing of "La maison ou j'ai grandi" by Francoise Hardy: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EONsnSBd0SA It is one of my favorite songs of all time and has had such different meanings for me during my life. Basically she sings of being a child with friends living in a wonderful house and place but her parents are moving them to Paris. She sings of her friends, the neighborhood, the rose garden, etc she once knew and enjoyed. She sings of how she returns older, and all has changed, everything is gone replaced by new people and places and things. The song first reminded me of my early years in Nicaragua, living in my grandparent's huge home as I rode around it on my 'Big Wheel', surrounded by a flock of cousins, 11 in all. A whole brood of family. It reminded me or the loss of the house in the 1972 earthquake which hit Managua on the 23'rd of December. It also, reminded me of the subsequent loss of that 'family' environment or 'cocoon'. We were all so close and then 'poof' scattered by the wind to lead different separate lives than those we all thought we would have. Francoise moved to Paris, I moved (or went back to the city I was born in), San Francisco. Human history stepped in an scattered me and my cousins to different worlds, never to intersect or 'reconnect'. The promise of family unity a dream after the earthquake, the communist take over of Nicaragua in 1979, and the death of my grandparents altered the shape and mold of life those 11 kids were to have. This life replaced by a new one, with other people to fill in the gaps left behind by the family members who did not fill the roles intended for them. Instead I have been blessed to have other people step in and help me form the life I have and build the memories upon which my identity rests, like a pillow supporting my head. I have mourned that old life for maybe a bit too much but then don't you miss that which you liked the most? Now in my mid forties I stand at a new precipice needing to take that leap of faith, yet held back by of all things lack of faith? Well no not a lack, but a "hey why do I have to do the faith thing again, can't it just work out?" kind of thing. Oh well....not my call I guess. I am finally home again..at least so I hope. After my accident all I have craved has been a return to normalcy, a request for the mundane. I rejoice in the simple everyday being...the Buddhist 'mindfulness' of the moment. We live life in moments, not minutes, not hours so why do we not live in the moment? Why do we not push back on that bloody voice that reminds you of the past or guesses at the future rather than focus on the present? We are funny creatures and fill our lives with silly things. Each one of us, king or queen of our own 'folly'. Every now and then you step out of yourself and look inward from the outside and ask yourself...really? What was I thinking? As the song plays again (yes I put it on again), I look out of the dormer at the rays of sunlight falling on a bucolic collection of snow covered New England homes and consider myself so very lucky to be in Vermont.

It's been a while...and a couple of snow storms since I last posted

Sorry that pesky...Life thing interrupts and you just have no time for anything. It is December 18, 2013 and it is 27 degrees Fahrenheit outside right now. We had a few days of below zero weather and that was an experience, my first. The snow freezes and ice covers everything. It is beautiful and purifying. The sun is out in full force now and with it comes the melt and the 'mush'. I always thought that the slippery bit was when things froze...wrong its when they start to melt. I'm in my attic office looking out upon the world through small 'dormer' windows. Ice and snow cover the slate tiles and as the house warms you hear a small roar and an avalanche of snow and muck slide off the side of the house and let out a huge roar like a hungry lion or some other beast reminding you of life! I understand now how and why there are more than 50 words to describe snow in certain languages. Fresh snow, frozen snow, clumpy snow, mushy snow, etc. It is still beautiful and majestic though. My friend KC from high school posted on my Facebook page something to the effect that native SF'ers are resilient and adaptive and I believe she is right! While I am in VT in the cold and the snow, she is in the desert experiencing the exact opposite. I am am looking at multiple forms of Water and she is in an environment which lacks most forms of water. Her comment is also a revelation in that native SF'ers are resilient and adaptive and are so because they are no longer in SF! It is however, beautiful to see this winter wonderland and to breathe in the pure air which is here in Vermont. It is amazing to have the force of nature dictate your response to life. Everything is slower here because it takes just a little more time to complete any given task because of the weather. You feel more 'alive' and more of being a 'part' of this planet when it impacts you so. California has its beauty and charm and weather which allows you more time for more things but what do you gain by filing your time with more and more things? Activities, events, logging in each hour on a calendar. You definitely are more 'detached' form the planet that way and more 'attached' to society/culture/events. There is a certain Zen in taking the time to shovel the snow off the driveway or sprinkle salt or clear your walkway. Give you time to think and absorb that which is around you while you perform a necessary task. Slowly your time is filled with events tied to daily life as opposed to events to just 'fill up' your time slot. This is definitely not the life for all nor am I criticizing. This has been a good change/opportunity for me. I am seeing life in a very different way. Life in Vermont/New England is good.

Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow.........

Sorry it's been a while, I've been tied up with sorting things out. I have a pile of damaged/destroyed goods thanks to the movers, the snow has been light but has started only to reveal another leak near one of the dormer windows in the attic which is no my office. I can't describe how beautiful it is here when it has snowed and everything is covered in a peaceful blanket of white. It is truly gorgeous. It is as if frozen fairy dust has been sprinkled on everything and it reveals a beauty not noticed before on whatever it covers (e.g., car, tree, roof top, church steeple, etc.). It reminds me of the scene in Dr. Zhivago when they go out to the Urals and get to the little domed cabin which is covered in white. It is like a 'purity' paint brush covered something and in doing so has removed any and all blemishes and has 'purified' that which it has covered. It is also very cute to see the tracks of life left upon the blanket of snow by squirrels, humans, and even rambunctious pugs in need of booties because of the cold and the salt on the sidewalks. The movers....hmmm how do you take a couple of antique pressed glass dishes commemorating Queen Victoria's jubilee in 1867, wrap them in paper and place the largest possible Le Creuset cast iron soup pot on top of them and not think that this might be a bad idea? I have to file a claim with my insurer today but we are still going through boxes and discovering the...AFTERMATH! I found the camera finally so I am going to start taking pictures and posting. It really looks like a postcard here and it is very calming. We started with the Christmas decor and have a small table top with colored lights. It finally 'feels' like Christmas to this native Californian who has only seen snow by driving to it in Tahoe/Reno. Even that snow is different because it doesn't get as cold there as it does here so the snow doesn't really freeze like it does here. There are icicles on the house and I actually saw icicles and the bottom of the front bumper of a Toyota Corolla parked next door. It was my Birthday on the tenth and I want to thank everyone for your kind words and wishes. I wish I could round up all the people I love and establish a State of Miguel and have everyone live there so that I can enjoy your company and those of my friends who do not know each other can meet and become friends as well. You know you are getting old when your birthday present to yourself is a lamp! LOL I found a wonderful lamp (along with a bunch of other wonderful antiques) at the Windham Antique Mart here in Bellows Falls!!! Michael and John have been great friends and I snuck in yesterday and bought an antique lamp.... yes for those who know me it's an addiction...I am a horder. Give me the option of buying something and I'm running to the antique version of that item!! Windham Antiques is great! http://www.windhamantiquecenter.com Having my office in the attic has been great because it is removed enough to fell like a 'work' space so that I can concentrate and complete my tasks. The only thing is that it is so far removed from the rest of the house (counting the basement, the attic would be the fourth floor) that you feel isolated. I can't hear the doorbell ring or Butter's bark, or Sammy's meow demanding some 'Temptations' treats....the 'Crack' for cats!